Auf Wiedersehen, SB!

     I started these blogs by writing an entry about the most commonly asked questions I tend to receive as a ballet dancer. It's a glamorous world on the outside. People always want to know what its like on the inside. Looking in as an outsider all you see are beautiful people everywhere with incredible bodies, performing in stunning costumes with perfect hair, dancing to harmonious music, and bringing audiences to tears. We are a wonderful breed; wonderfully weird. Always laughing and joking around yet when it comes to our work, our bodies, our craft, we take it very seriously. We are individuals coming from foreign countries. Yet we all share the same passion and roughly the same story of how we came to achieve our successes. We understand one another like no one else does. Not even our parents (unless they were dancers themselves) truly understand what we go through and why we go through it. I remember as a teenager, being in the car with my mom and crying over something ballet related. I probably messed up a pirouette or something insignificant like that, but I was so deeply and genuinely upset about it. She hated seeing me so distraught over something so small, and she said to me, "You know Daisy, you can always quit. You don't HAVE to do this." In between sobs I replied, "You don't understand Mom! I CAN'T just quit!"

     I was right. I couldn't just quit. I didn't want to "just quit". Something kept me going. The little successes here and there, the feeling of accomplishment, all out-weighed so many of the cons against ballet that I kept going. I kept going all the way to Germany and then all the way into a professional ballet company. I made it. I made it to one of the most prestigious companies in the world. What an amazing feeling that was. I'll never forget that meeting, the day I found out I got a Corps de Ballet contract with the Stuttgart Ballet. My director, Reid Anderson, called me in to his office. I walked into his cold, air-conditioned office filled with anticipation and anxiety but before I even sat down he said to me, "You got the job!" I started jumping up and down and replied, "Are you serious?!" It was such a happy day. All my hard work finally paid off. All the tears were worth it in that moment. I had no idea what was yet to come, but I remained hopeful. Toni Bentley puts it best in her book "Winter Season", describing her acceptance into the New York City Ballet, "That was a great day, the day my future was decided... I did not realize what a deeply sad day it actually was- the end of a dream and the beginning of reality."
     Company life is as hard as they say it is. I tried to brush many things off but there is only so much you can take. The physical demands took a toll on my body and the mental demands weren't worth it to me in my mind. Reality definitely hit hard and the fairy-tale story of what I thought my ballet career would look like started to slowly die, as I accepted my place in the company.
     I decided I needed to make a change. I don't blame anyone else for my dissatisfaction but myself. I put this pressure on myself, telling myself I wasn't good enough or skinny enough that eventually it went from being a mere paranoia to a harsh reality. It's like I started subconsciously self-sabotaging my own career. I told myself I didn't care if I wasn't cast in ballets, that I wasn't bothered by it. I have my "outside life" and "outside friends". My life doesn't revolve around ballet anymore. It hurt less that way when cast lists came out and my name was nowhere to be found.
     The life of a professional ballet dancer is short. Mine I simply chose to make even shorter. I know that when I look back on my time in Stuttgart Ballet I'll have nothing but fond memories. There were plenty of downs and moments of doubt, but there were also so many amazing and positive experiences that I'll treasure always. I got to travel the world with my friends, dance beautiful ballets, wear gorgeous costumes. I got to act like a slut, a princess, a virgin, a ghost, and a swan. I danced at the friggen Bolshoi! When asked if I'd do it all again, I'd answer without a shadow of a doubt, Hell yea! I'm a dancer at heart, and I always will be.