Strugs (Struggles)

     As mentioned before, I have a certain amount of “white girl problems” or “strugs” as I like to call them nowadays, that I just can’t seem to shake no matter how ridiculously shallow or unimportant I try to tell myself they are. These strugs could also be partially, if not directly, correlated to the fact that it’s the end of the season and myself and everyone else around me at work seem to be dealing with a lethal case of “endoftheseasonitis”.

     I wasn’t intending on using this blog as a sort of outlet to release some inner stress I may or may not have bundled up deep down inside. You know what I mean, like how therapists tell their patients to write in a journal to get all of their thoughts out on paper so that they don’t one day wake up and decide to shoot up their school.  Sorry. Too soon? Anyways, I never thought about writing as a way of expressing myself because, until now, dance was pretty much the only form of expression I knew. Which is ironic seeing as it’s a form of expression solely based on movement and no words, whereas writing is purely about the art of words. Oh the irony. It's killing you isn't it? So as a way of combining these two interests of mine I sort of ended up writing about what I know. Which happens to be a lot about ballet. Its funny how looking back on some of the posts one might assume that either A. I’m this weird ballet girl that one day just decided to write down all the random thoughts that seem to be running around in her head. Which probably means that therapy could also be a good option. Or B. I just got a lotta strugs that I wanna share because ultimately I find my world to be really funny, in a “glass-in-the-pointe-shoe-if-you-ever-cross-me-bitch” kinda way.

     Originally for this entry I wanted to make a list of cleaver and witty ballet and/or just plain white girl strugs that I have. But then I kind of went off into this random tangent about why I started writing, and about how I may or may not need therapy. So I think I’m just going to leave it on that note for now, and save my OCD listing thing for another time. Ain't nobody got time for that!

Fuck you chocolate.

     I don't understand how some people can be so disciplined when it comes to chocolate, or alcohol for that matter. But right now I want to talk about chocolate because I feel like this needs discussing. Chocolate for me is like a guy that promises to call you or text you but then never does. It's a lying, cheating, son of a b****! Chocolate's all, "No worries baby. All will be well. You are a strong, amazing, and confident person. You deserve to eat me AND my friends!". Then Boom! That bitch turns around and gives you cellulite! I mean, what the fuck? You're supposed to comfort and console me in my time of need and then piss off before you turn into fat on my ass and take like two whole months at the gym to burn off! It's so deceiving. Pretending to be all "healthy" these days. Oh yea, apparently dark chocolate is now "filled with antioxidants that are actually good for you". So now every girl is just pretending to like dark chocolate when we all secretly are craving the milk and white chocolate caramel hot fudge brownie nougat cellulite amazingness. How is that fair? All I was looking for was a little pick me up from my stressful life. Nothing crazy. I didn't pull out a deep fried snickers ice cream to go with my coffee. It was just a normal sized bar of "healthy" dark chocolate. I didn't mean to eat the entire thing and then a bag of Kinder Schoko-Bons. It just happened! I swear it's like crack! Once you start you can't stop no matter how much you tell yourself "this shit ain't good!". IT'S SO GOOD!
     Look, I don't think its that much to ask that chocolate have the same nutritional value as spinach. If it did, the entire world would be a much healthier place. I think we'd all benefit from that. In fact, if I had a magic lamp and had only three wishes I'd make that my number 1. You know, for the greater good of all mankind... Ok, I'll admit chocolate is not the healthiest thing in the world and it probably never will be. But is it so much to ask for something comforting, warm and rich without sounding like a goldigger lookin' for her man? Isn't that what every hard working girl wants? Just something to look forward to at the end of the day (or at the end of every meal) that's not going to have so many unwanted consequences? I feel like God hated girls and was like "Yea, let's make all of them crave chocolate once a month and then make chocolate the most fattening and addictive thing EVER!". Good lookin' out dude. Are you happy now? You get to hear us bitch and complain all day long about how fat we think we are. All it would take would be one wave of your magic wand and suddenly chocolate is good and broccoli is a no go. That's all I'm asking for! Oh, but while you're at it, just make french fries healthy too ok? Just for the sake of all mankind. Or just for America. Or just for me.

Spit, Shit, and Break a leg.

     There's a lot of preparation that goes into putting on a show that the audience has no idea about. The hours of rehearsal, the costume fittings, the hair and makeup. Not to mention the emotional breakdowns, the tears, the sweat, the drama of someone getting injured a day before the show and their second cast freaking out because they have to jump in for them after only two rehearsals. All details that when added up together, should make a pretty seamless show. There are not only these standard types of routines to prepare for a show, but also some other less "traditional" ones. Its funny how I never thought any of these things were weird until I took a step back and looked at them through an outsiders eyes.
     1. Don't wish me good luck. In Germany I learned that you say "Toi Toi Toi". Its usually said really quickly and incomprehensibly, as to add some dramatic flair and ultimate confusion to anyone from the outside world. The response is then "Vielen Vielen". Pretty straight forward if you speak German. If not then it just sounds like you have some kind of weird stutter. One of the ballet mistresses will combine a "Toi Toi Toi" with a hug and a little spit over the dancers shoulder. It's a special moment which has only happened to me once, but it's one that I'll treasure always.
     2. Mierda. Merde. Basically just means "Shit" in Spanish or French. If someone says "Mucho Mierda" or just plain "Merde" your not allowed to say anything back. Or else.
     3. The chocolates. Usually if you have a big premier, its customary to bring your partner or your fellow dancers good luck chocolates or sweets. These are also called "Toi Toi Toi's". There is a fine line, however, between a nice gesture and an obvious sabotage. Giving out too many Toi Toi Toi chocolates and you start to look like the witch from Snow White trying to poison everyone with empty calories and fat. The best Toi Toi Toi I ever got was a beer that I drank right before going on stage for good luck*.
     4. Praying to... God? I honestly don't even know how many dancers actually believe in God. As a group we generally don't tend to be very conservative (flamboyant, whimsical, flaming are all words that come to mind before conservative). I think a lot of us are agnostic or athiest until about 5 minutes before the show. Then suddenly we all believe in God. Or something.
     5. Good luck kiss on a pointe shoe. Yep, I saw it happen. It was one dancers own personal tradition. She would kiss each one of her pointe shoes right before going on stage. Now that's love. Or something.
     6. Another guy before every show would touch the stage and then touch his forehead. I don't really know what else to say about this.      
     7. Carbing up. I've heard many different theories on diets and foods that help provide energy before a big show or rehearsal. One dancer swears by sandwiches. For her that's all she would eat before. Another dancer would eat an entire bowl of pasta "for energy". Rice seems to be a pretty popular choice. So trying to follow this kind of theory, as an apprentice, I made the rookie mistake of eating a burrito before a show. What? It's like a wrap! ... No its not. Not at all. Such an epic fail. The costume department had to bring me a bigger dress for the first act of 'Sleeping Beauty' because I was so bloated and full I couldn't fit into mine! True story bro. To this day, I've never eaten a burrito since**.
     I guess in a way I can also be a bit superstitious. Not like the "don't walk under a ladder" or "don't open an umbrella inside" kind (I even HAVE a black cat at home that crosses my path all the time and I'm totally fine. Knock on wood). But I also have little things that I have to do before a show just in case. You never know what can happen with live theater. It's better to have these little weird traditions or rituals that help ease some nerves or stress. I mean who knows what could happen if forehead guy doesn't touch the stage before curtain.



 *That totally didn't happen. I drank it right after the show and got a tad drunk from being so thirsty and dehydrated. Like I said, Best. Toi Toi Toi. Ever!
 **Also not true. Burritos are like my third favorite food of all time.