Vagina Lifts

     Sometimes I like telling people that I'm a ballet dancer. It's definitely an instant conversation starter. People always want to know your story. "So did you start when you were a baby? Do you really dance around on your toes? Are all the girls total bitches?" Yes, yes, and hell yes! My favorite question lately has been, "So is your life like Natalie Portman's in Black Swan?" Umm... Seriously? I feel like saying, "Why yes, in fact it is! Before shows I usually warm up, put on my costume and make up, stab myself with a piece of glass, have minor hallucinations and then turn into a giant bird and die! Just another day in the office. There's always two types of reactions you get after telling someone you are a dancer. The girl reaction: "Aww I used to do ballet when I was a little girl!" Yep, I did too. I'm just still doing it for some fucking reason. Then there's the guy reaction: "Woah cool! You must be really flexible. Can you do the splits?" Yes I can you pervert. I also sometimes get lifted into the air by my vagina if that turns you on even more! ...It usually doesn't. If I really don't feel like starting a conversation with the person I'll just say I'm a student. Sometimes it works but then other times it backfires because when asked what I study, I freeze. I haven't been a student since I was 16! College wasn't even a consideration for this ballet bunhead. I don't know the first thing about majors, or minors, or bachelor degrees or whatever. So I usually just say that I'm studying History, which should end the conversation right then and there. With History no one ever wants to know when you started studying History, or if you spend most of your time in the library studying History, or if your fellow Historian colleagues are total bitches. History just sounds like the most boring subject on earth that not even your Turkish taxi driver taking you to the airport is going to bother you with a follow up question on your great academic research of the past. That conversation, is History. Ba-dum-bum Ching!